I'm Chevy Chase and You're Not

“I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not”, the SNL Weekend Update on line  seemed appropriate for this bit of gallows humor from the New Yorker.

Getting sick is no fun, but think about the impact your illness will have on stimulating the economy.

Human illness adds two trillion dollars annually to America’s gross domestic product. Are you contributing your fair share?

Sentences set in small type make a handy eye test. If you can read this without difficulty, your eyes may be too strong and you will need the prescription drug Corneac R (dollarmycin-B) to return your vision to normal. Consult your pastor about the choice between sightlessness and personal bankruptcy.

Personally, I have weak eyes.

According to my mother it has to do with a common teenage practice.

Policy Updates

—All of you “Far Horizons” Fifteenth Tier Plan subscribers may now choose any doctor you like, who will then refer you to the list of approved cheap doctors, ex-doctors, doctors-in-training, and veterinarians.

—“Near Horizons” Sharing & Caring Plan members: Some misunderstandings about this plan have arisen lately. Sharing your hospital bed does not reduce the per-day costs of your hospital stay, and you will be legally liable if your bedmate contracts a communicable disease.

—Be sure to ask about the new “Invisible Horizons” Plan, providing discounts and a free ballpoint pen on hospital bills of more than a million dollars per week for any fifty-two-week period when you cannot get out of bed.

—The new “Artificial Horizons” Plan for prosthetics will no longer provide separate prosthetic toes. See Pamphlet 567-A-2099 for a limited-time-only “Five-Pak” prosthetic-toe kit. (One foot per subscriber.)

—Feeling poorly? Ask about our new “Eternal Horizons” Plan option, which includes an afterlife provision covering basic medical care for eternity. Have your executor call 1-800-RIV-STYX for details. Cryogenic “Eternal Horizons” subscribers, or their survivors, must provide a matching body and head.

Explanation of Benefits

Skip this section. No benefits are currently available.

Q. & A. of the Month

Q: My current statement lists two hundred and thirty-one charges for “brain surgery,” even though I have had no brain surgery. How can I rectify this?

A: Invalid question. Brain surgery is not covered under your plan.

And there you have it.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

Thanks to Jeff Silver for this tip . . .

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